(06:28 p.m.; Sunday, April 20, 2003)
I don't really know why i'm back here. i think that i just like the way that the text looks on the page. ya know? i'm such a geek for verdana size 10. hah. oh well. i've been doing nothing all day. just sitting around. and it's 6:30 which means i've been up for six hours and thirty minutes. but really i took a half hour nap in that time so its only been six hours.

i keep eating mom's cooking today and then feeling sick. i think the first time it was the egg. and then every time after that it has just been the eating part. only the salad hasn't left my stomach feeling all yucky. so i don't know what else it is that i have to say. but i'm around here. which is kind of nice. i've been watching Jesus of Nazareth and considering shortening my name to Jes all day. the part that i've been awake that is.

I really want salad and candy. i don't really know why. in one day it will be the six month anniversary of mads and my first kiss. whee. and we're still together so take that. we have such a great relationship. i love having someone that i can sit around and talk books with and that doesn't mind being on the phone for a billion hours.

even though she did try to break up with me yesterday :) hah. it's okay because i didn't let her. i'm bad about not letting people break up with me.

(break the silence)

What You Need
(12:43 a.m.; Tuesday, December 31, 2002)
(today, part 2): at home, i check my email and learned that i'm getting hosted by crushdplastik.net yay! i emailed her all of the stuff needed to host a site. so i will soon soon soon be moving to http://crushdplastik.net/smash! i'm excited. as soon as i fnish this entry i'm uploading the "coming soon" page. yay yay yay.

i talk on the phone with madsee for a long time, oh how i heart that girl. she's so.. everything. really. she's great to have around, we have the same interests (including but not limited to each other) and we agree in the right ways on the really important things. and it's great. i love talking to her. i could forever. even if we never really say anything. we just listen to our music and hum along to what the other is listening to. it's more fun that way.

jerrad is supposed to call at 5:30 so i get off the phone +mom needs it. so jerrad calls while mom is on the phone and he comes over. we decide to go get food. dennys is where we end up going and i got sirloin steak, which was yum. post-food we go back to my house and play some pool/chess. i better expressed the evening in a poem in my poetry diary. (jump to: vying)

i had a good day, especially the end. time to set up the new site. i'll miss pitas a little. but i don't think it'll be much :) hah.
(break the silence)

Keeps Me Hanging On
(12:16 a.m.; Tuesday, December 31, 2002)
(today, part 1): i had to go to the dentist. i woke up and took a shower and cleaned my car. the cleaning of the car only took about thirty minutes which was impressive. i thought it would be much longer than that. i managed to fill a whole trashcan though and that was pretty cool.

so i finished cleaning the trash can.. er.. car. and left for the bank. on the way there my car (running on walk, as dad would say) didn't have enough gas for the turbo to kick in so if i accelerrated too much too quickly, the car started to shake and then slowed down. gah. i was scared i wouldn't make it to the bank. i made it and stopped the car (stupid) and got my check cashed. it took me about five attempts to get enough gas runnng to the engine to make jess-mobile go. but i made it and i got gas, the denist was my destiny.

i got there and Dr. Roy said my cavity was really small.. she seemed to think it wasn't worth her time to fill. but she prepped it and called in an assistant and the tooth was filled. it didn't hurt much and didn't require any anesthetic. i didn't have them sand it down anymore though, which is sad, cuz now i can't bite down all the way. and i didn't think about it at that time. i'm adjusting i guess.

at the dentist, the scar on my arm was apparent. it was on my arm, smiling up at me. ::gah:: and dr. roy was like "what happened?" and i said "we have so many dogs, i'm always getting scratched" and she said "you're not cuttng yourself are you? you know what i mean right." i said "yeah and i'm not." then i made a joke about how i always look like a cutter or something but mom's the crazy one. i hate it when i get noticed. i hate it. i don't want to be noticed because of it. grr. i hate lying/having to lie. i hate that i do it. i hate that i never really truly honestly stop. i want to kick myself. (perpetuating cycle).

i went home and was planning on vegging out here. that's kinda what i do anymore. i just sleep and sit and sit and sleep. but it's cool/fun. so the phone rings, i answer it. it's dave (supersonic music) and there is no lesson tomorrow. which is fine with me, i tell him, adara is broked. he tells me to come down so he can fix it. i say i was going to have jerrad fix it when he came over and he says that he can do it for me. he tells me to bring coffee. thus i load up adara/cds/celeste/mahself into the car and go to the store. i bring him a double tall white mocha. i get chai. i realize i trust people too much. i realize i'm dave's bitch. and he's not putting out. but he is fixing my guitar. and that's grounds for bitchdom. cuz guitar = better than boyfriends.

dave fixes the guitar, yay! adara is happy, her pickups are raised. very cool. meanwhile, i burn Jewel/Jesus mary chain onto celeste. i play "the stylist" for a while. wow that guitar is hot. if i were a woman, i would so make out with it. the question is, would i pay 329 dollars to do that. maybe not for the girl, but for the guitar..i'm still thinking.

next, i returned the now-copied cds to the library and check out annie on my mind by nancy gardner. it's one of madsee's favorites. so i'm gonna read it, plus i really liked a short story i read by the same author. so add it to the list. whew.

i had a doctors appt and went to it, Rx for Effexor. yay more pills. fuck-heads.
(break the silence)

Drops me down
(11:25 p.m.; Sunday, December 29, 2002)
New layout. Yum. i was listening to embrace and realized that they would make a great layout. rarrh. i like it a lot. and i like madeline a lot. (uhm nice jump?)

i went to see catch me if you can today with madsee and devon. devon's such a cool kid, he lets me be a lesbian and i'm really down with that. the movie was great! leonardo dicaprio, tom hanks, christopher walken, wow. it was fabulous! he's so yummy. (all of them). the movie carried well too and i didn't really notice that it was 2 and a half hours. movies are so god-damned long these days. and my attention span keeps getting shorter and shorter. so it's not really working out. but the movie was great so i didn't notice.

i bought requiem for a dream by selsby today. yay! i loved the movie and figured the book might be at least wonderful too. i'm anxious to start it. i have to finish being there first and i should start only cowgirls get the blues sometime too. meanwhile, i keep getting distracted by short stories with 'dirty' plotlines in that book madseee gave me. yum yum yum. it's all so hott..

at the end of the semester gabe and i said that we should hang out over break. this would be the first time we've hung out since before brian and i dated. yeah. it would've been almost a year since the last time he and i hung out. so we make plans for thursday (mall trip) and he breaks them later after i tell him that the girl he made out with was drunk off her ass and doesn't remember it. i don't really even care anymore

"driving, i was thinking, you're my flat tire" - lisa loeb, 'too fast driving'
(break the silence)

(05:57 p.m.; Saturday, December 28, 2002)
sometimes when i'm out in the mall, just wandering by myself, i'm sure that i look really lost.. but i love to just watch people and see them go by doing their people things. it's nice. and i got the tags taken off of my shirt and i got a case for celeste. but anyways i was there for a while and i looked at books, i think i want to read rudi guiliani's book. since he's the only republican i really like (other than trent/josh).

i wrote a bunch of poems, so go to my f-od (see web) and read them because that's where my feelings are right now. i also finished another roadside attraction by tom robbins. it was great. he is great. wow.

i got to see madeline yesterday, she gave me a backmassage. my back is tense again. and i missed her as soon as i was gone.
(break the silence)

Bedroom revolutionary
(09:47 p.m.; Thursday, December 26, 2002)
I think i want to start a webclique, but I'd have to acquire some hosting and i'm so fucking out of the personal site scene. gah. i should surf around and look at them for a while, cuz they're pretty and i like them. ho-hum. my webclique would be entitled 'bedroom revolutionary'. like the oasis song.

the next paragraph will be devoted to cybersex and how much fun i had with it last night.

charlie wanted porn. thus I told him i'd find him good porn if he'd entertain me for a while. let it be said that this was in no way meant to be sexually arousing. so what began with "so i'm naked and not wearing clothes" and ended as a bad pun, was an altogether fullfilling conversation. hah. and charlie got his porn. later erik and i talked 'dirty code' to each other, and that was fun. he's a fun kid. and it's fun challenging oneself to come up with script techniques to fuck your friends :) just kidding. it was more emo than dirty. but that happens.

today i went out with Sarah Coats. she's so stellar. (even if she does look like a kelly osborne barbie that broke out of the box, except prettier) i gave her her present (a purse that looks like mine) and then we went out. we were gonna just go to the mall first but then she remembered that she was supposed to be at JJ's so she asked if it was cool if we went by there. i said it was.

we were at the roundabout and the phone rang. it was JJ. conversation: "where you at bitch?" "i'm at a roundabout and confused" "get here and make me some pie" haha. that's not really how it went but i think it may have been funny. we arrived at jj's and she rang for him and then he came down (like rubbing a genie's lamp). we went to wendy's and i had a soda and chicken nuggets. that was all i got till like 7 or 8 but whatever. JJ is a fun guy, i think he's (in the words of schriener) 'a real cool cat.' hhm. Sarah, JJ, Isaac, and I may hang out sometime soon, maybe jj's gig, or battle of the bands. that'd be fun, but sarah wouldn't be there and i'm relatively anti-social. so i need someone to go with me. (please apply with the love app).

i want to call andy sometime over break and i really think i'm going to. .. even if he does laugh funny...haha. sarah's so funny.

we went to the mall next and i impulse shopped. i returned some shoes and got new ones (they're fabulous) and then i bought a dress, a twisted sister shirt, a radiohead shirt, and and a shirt that is dark blue with light-blue stars. it brings new meaning to the word emo. i = geek.

we went to best buy next and i bought a webcam and some shit for my brother. and we went to cd tradepost and i got a sunny day real estate album cuz i remembered hearing them somewhere and thinking that they did not suck. i'm super impressed by the album. i want a fly tatoo or maybe just desktop. yeah desktop theme. at best buy we saw trent's brother travis and he creeped us both out. and then we talked to him and i couldn't really look at him. cuz it was just too weird. identical twins, augh!

sarah got her lip pierced, it looks hot. we went to the autoparts store where jj works and i said "i feel as out of place as an emokid at an autoparts store" it was one of my better analogies :). i had to turn away so that jj and sarah could look at each other

seeing a happy sorta-couple made me kinda sad. just cuz i don't get to see madseeee nearly enough. i miss her..
(break the silence)

(07:18 p.m.; Wednesday, December 25, 2002)
Well I made it through another christmas. I got a pair of dark brown cords, a pair of tan cords, a pair of mudd jeans, a bohemian-esque shirt, a preppy-meets-hippie shirt, and a pair of shoes. also, i got the foreigner by meg castaldo which is great cuz i wanted to finish it but then i lost it (it completely fucking disappeared). i got saves the day's second album.. i already had it but i only had a burned copy and i'm a firm believer that i should own 'the best of all time' albums as real copies. then i got.. dun dun dun.. this beautiful lap top computer. it's great. i've spent all day reloading software and switching files and burning shit to disks so that i can get it over here. also, i can now watch the dash dvd. which is just god-damned hot.

I can look at porn from my bed, how cool is that. I am pretty sure that madeline and i officially are a college boy. especially if she stole this from me to look at porn from her bed. hm. i'm excited about college. can't wait to go.

i forgot to give devon his pony shirt that i got for him. so i am going to keep it. he'll take it and wear it anyways. in a related story, i'm going to learn to breakdance. like that geeky kid from some small school that's somewhere. he was a dork. and i don't appreciate people bragging about breakdancing. but if i knew how then i could say "oh i taught myself how" and then i could i don't know, rock his vanilla ice or something. even though i wouldn't want to.

so i'm not learning to breakdance. but it was a good idea. and i'm just going to say that i know how, and then say that i'm too tired to demonstrate.
(break the silence)

Not to Need You
(12:58 p.m.; Tuesday, December 24, 2002)
I changed the layout again, this time version 3. because that logically follows version 1. I'm happy with it, i made it yesterday. and it's really fun... i want to show erik, cuz it's i don't know, him-ish. haha. i just like it and want someone else who knows code to give an opinion on the whole thing.

It's christmas eve. i don't know what i'm going to get tomorrow.. i'm just happy because i woke up this morning and the house smelled liked turkey and mom's making my favorite potato casserole and it'll be just grand when everyone gets here. I think Aunt Chris is bring pugsly, yay. Pugsly is so much fun. And she better actually come down here too. I'm worried about her. What a shitty thing to happen. men are assholes.

last night/today was/is Jason Lee appreciation day. he's so yummy. i watched Chasing Amy and Mallrats. They're both so great. Brian reminds me a whole lot of Holden in Chasing Amy. Except, I wish he would've just suggested a threesome between Jerrad, himself, and I. That would've been a lot easier to handle than that whole "hey i don't love you anymore" thing. boys are bitches. hah. but yes, i'm pretty sure jerrad and i would've gone for it. and by default brian should be quasi-gay. all the rest of them were.

i'm still sleepy. and I really want to eat, seeings as it's already 1 o'clock and i haven't had any food except for one hershey's bar by now. gah. "breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you and i can't be without that scent.."

i miss brian a lot lately. partially in that relationship way but also in that friendship way. he's not there for me anymore. and he always promised me that he would be. oh well, god forbid that brian would break a promise. it's not like he hasn't broken every other promise he's made to me since he's met me. he's done it all in good time too.. about 2 weeks and he had turned all of his romanticisms into wastes of breaths and listening.

i saw erin at falleys. i realized that i kissed a few boys that are her age. that freaked me out a little. gahsh. she's such a nice girl. but she's always seemed so much older than me. and apparently her friends aren't :( i don't get it/i don't get me.
(break the silence)

Rose-colored Times
(05:04 p.m.; Monday, December 23, 2002)
I don't know what happened to my day. I woke up at 9:45 and now it's 5:04 and i have no idea what happened or where I was. I remember reading for a while.. and I spent 8 tracks of Dilate in the bathroom.. and I cleaned the bathrooms.. the rest of the time i was probably online. Oh well, it's something to do. When I first signed on (post shower) I heard a car pull up, and then the doorbell rang. I looked out my window and BJ's car was parked where he always parked when we were dating.

i said "oh gahd. is that BJ?" and then went to the door, maybe half-hoping it was him. and it was. and i was strangely happy to see him. Not that I don't like him or never wanted to see him again, but yeah I was like "oh great it's bj!" 95% not sarcastically. the 5% was just by habit :) so he was here and we talked for prolly about a half hour, although that seems a lot longer than it is.. we talked about college. and he kept hugging me. the hugs were awkward. and he kept doing it. but yeah. I felt like that girl that Ben Affleck is fucking in Mallrats (i can never remember her name) that's just doing her nails. that's a great movie. cuz i was like "okay hug.. let it be over now" hm. i asked him how things were with his girlfriend and he hesitated and then said good. which is good, i hope he's happy with someone. he deserves that. and it's neither of our faults that i couldn't make him happy. or that he couldn't make me happy. or maybe both. whatever. kids.

i also had to take the movies back and go to the dry cleaners to drop some stuff off for mom. so that's what i did. and i went by dairy queen and got a cone and talked to erin. apparently bj called her and wanted to take her to a movie last night. she said no. hah. erin is my favorite. but i think she and i might hang out over break so that'll be fun. i already miss her, we had like 4387 classes together.
(break the silence)

Rock out with your frog out.
(10:49 p.m.; Saturday, December 21, 2002)
I feel muchos better today.. In fact, im at work right now in order to be paid so that i can fantasize harder about buying that guitar (see buy me 329) yeah.. that's really it..

jennings/millhouse dropped by round 4 today.. tear. i'm sad. sad like ponies are sad when their pasture is taken away. i, incidentally, am also chock-full of bad analogies.. most of them are so bad that the aforementioned one is actually good in comparison

p. was supposed to be her and he is not.. this makes me sad. but i should have known. i dreamt about it. and so there it is. g. is going to give me a back massage and thus i am happy.. because i need one really really badly.

today i made a makeshift italian soda out of rasberry-flavored carbonated water, half-and-half, milk, and whipped cream. it was good... my brother did not like his. which figures.. can't appreciate shitty italian soads when he has them.. kids these days :)

tom robbins is my hero. another roadside attraction is one of my favorite books... Marx Marvelous can be added to the list of book-men i want to have sex with. (Along with Gene and Holden). Mmm..
(break the silence)

(09:54 a.m.; Friday, December 20, 2002)
I am so fucking sick. I got off the phone with madseeeee last night because she had to take one of her friends home (in an hour) and I felt shitty. So I was going to go to sleep. At the time of my saying goodbye to madeline, i was listening to azure ray. after that the cd player went to alkaline trio, and then to new found glory. when it got to new found glory, i felt even sicker. i wanted to die. i could not find the remote to change the cd. and i stood up to look for it, and that's when i decided i should vomit. my back hurt a whole lot cuz i had been tossing around all night. at that point i went to throw up.

so after the up-chucked-time-of-my-life I climbed into bed with my parents (i'm so glad they got the new kingsized bed. i fit much better now). so i got in bed and stole mom's heat pad and mom was talking crazy. i was like "mommy will you go get me a drink" and she said "yes." so i was like "are you going to go?" and she said "wait, i want to see what the dog is going to do." which meant she was still asleep. therefore, i tapped dad and ws like "dad. mom's delusional. will you go get me a drink?" he got me gingerale. i drank it. it was very cold.

i want to sleep. but nope. it's finals week so i'm here taking finals. and i hate them. i kind of want to die. now adam is drawing on my face. one of the weirder things he has ever done. . yikes.... i don't think it's going to come off. i am going to have to go to the doctor with sideburns. oh fuck. i don't trust him at all.
(break the silence)

Till I Break the Skin
(08:53 p.m.; Wednesday, December 18, 2002)
yay for ani. i really need to burn this cd and get it back to madeline, i'm sure she misses it, because i know that i would miss it if i had lost itgiven-it-to-girl-and-not-forced-her-to-give-it-back-yet.

on monday night/tuesday morning my aunt and uncle got into a fight. i don't know what about, but i guess he really tore up the house. she called the cops, (this man has hit her before), and he got put in jail. and i also guess that she found out a week ago that he is/was having an affair. my aunt has ms. i'm so angry at this man. i can not disconnect myself from the situation anylonger. its not her goddamned fault that she contracted this disease. he married her, he said i do. how dare he walk out on her! how dare he beat the shit out of her body/mind. i don't understand how anyone could do this to anyone else. it's terrible.

i have officially decided that maybe being alone forever will suffice. i'm hoping to get my fish for christmas.

jesus is just a plastic creature in my yard this year. he's lost some sort of meaning. it's like that rude awakening i had in 6th grade: santa claus is not real and I have to grow up. I do not want to grow up and i do not want to stay young. Oh sweet savior, please wash these self-inflicted blood stais while i wait for you at my altar in purgatory.

ani is making me want to cry. maybe that's her point. i like to think so some of the time. cuz she gets me near tears a whole lot. and i really wish i had not lost revelling/reckoning. slash i really wish i could see madseee.

my weekend was weird. i'm still recovering. i am a soap opera waiting to unwind. and i can't write it all down because i am only little fragments of nothing.

i'm mixing prose into my diary. but no one reads it anyways. except they actually do.
(break the silence)

Oh the Agony
(11:25 p.m.; Monday, December 16, 2002)
My side really hurts. If it still feels this way when i get home i'm requesting medical aid. I can not wait until next week. I just can't. To hell with finals.. i need to get my whatever-this-is looked at.. I guess I'll have to do it during 5th hour tomorrow if at all... gah.

i want to see madseeeeee. i miss her.
(break the silence)

Hot Dog Stand
(10:12 p.m.; Monday, December 16, 2002)
And Thus I am reading Tom Robbins. Madseeee decided that I should. Slash Brian told me to read him a while ago so i picked up another roadside attraction at the library and i'm finally at the point where it's actually the book i'm reading. I really like it a lot.. i keep randomly laughing out loud during it and then making everyone i know read various passages. which makes it a good book, because there are very few books that i have to immediately show parts of to my friends.

so that is all. i finished my annotated bibliography today. i'm about 94.5% sure that this pain in my spleen is actually mono. because why else would my spleen hurt. now i'm going through my research and highlighting key terms like "latin america" and "nicaragua" or "brazil" or "castro" anything that sounds like it might be affiliated with a country south of the usa. it's getting rediculous

i don't get to go to the gift exchange because bill has requested that i stay after school on friday to help him with the presents. i welcome this. after i do this i'm going to see two towers and then i'm going to go to my shrink. except i'll prolly just cancel the shrink. and i might wish to go to the dance with kim and everyone but i work which fucking sucks... cuz why do i even really need to be here? someone should trade with me.. grr.. bitches.

gabe was mad at me earlier, because i'm at work and occasionally i get a phone call so i can't just talk to him all of the time. and so that's all. he was like "you keep ignoring me.. and it's a pet peeve of mine.." blah blah blah. he needs to understand that i'm at work and i'm not being paid to cater to his every whim. kids these days

i'm excited about christmas. i got madsee and sarah and sarah really fun things and i know they'll like them. cuz they're rock-on. I just need to get more random things for everyone and it'll be nice. i didn't even spend that much money on everyone and i got my brother a cool pony shirt (that i can remove from his closet and wear when i need to). at cafepress they have anti-emo shirts. i want one. they're so great and stuff. i think i'm going to make a bunch of shirts and put them on my "buy me" list on the blog.. whee.

pitas is one of my favorite things.

i think i might claim myself vegetarian for a week or so after christmas. i just feel all dirty and i need some time to purify myself i guess. hm. fucking hippies.

on the subject of christmas, i'm really pissed that we're not doing a traditional christmas. we're just having sandwiches and shit. i dislike sandwiches especially for christmas. and it's going to be so many people in such a small house. gah. why can't it just be at our house again this year? i mean i'll only be living there for 1 more year.. the least they can do is give me a half-way decent holiday.

i'm so full of complaints. oh well. it happens. ouch, my spleen.

(break the silence)

Nous jouons avec les canards.
(12:18 p.m.; Monday, December 16, 2002)
I spent around 3 hours on the phone with madeline last night :) yay. don't tell my parents. hah. It was fun we talked about everything and did our usual sunday night schedule (that is, she watched porn and i watched com central cartoons) between the two of us we are a college boy. yum yum. hash brownies.

I got a new shirt this weekend. It says "Keep Smiling" and it makes me look like i actually have breasts. yay for me. haha. it's great. i might just wear the shirt for always. and it's all faded brown and has snoopy and woodstock on it.. this makes me happy. snoopy and woodstock are great.

Saturday Phil came by work. Yay for Phil! He was just like "Jess" and so i looked up and was like "oh wow it's phil!" and then he talked for a few minutes and then i showed him out. which was fun a nice break even. hahm. he's working again next week (delivery boy) and i'll prolly get to see him then too. whee.

Schreiner is gone now. I am sad. Oh well.

(break the silence)

(08:36 p.m.; Saturday, December 14, 2002)
Basehor-Linwood's tourney was today. I did not want to be there.. i'm convinced that i have mono.. because i could.. but i think it's really just me stressing myself out to the point of almost physically requiring a back massage.. maybe i'll call greg.. er..

So on the way there, mckeithan and i get in a conversational debate about the student concert last night.. which was good, it got me all fired up so i debated better as a result of it, although i must admit i sucked ass today.. dammit. so yeah. he and i were talking about it and the politics of north topeka and i was just like "viva la revolution! god save the queen!" that was my contention. hah. it made about that much sense too.

at basehor we hit Jeff West (L), Osage South (W), Some Other Highscool (W), Tongie (W), Gardner (L).. The 3-2 gave us a good enough record to take 8th! whee! i was happy i haven't medalled since sophomore year.. mostly due to lack of initiative.

on another note, joe and i broke up. it's not so sad. he's a prick anyways. but we did qual to state today so we're going to debate together there (cuz i can't ditch him for erika) and then that will be all. cry.

Last night i did all of my christmas shopping.. i got a pony shirt for my brother, a purse for myself and my secret santa, a snoopy shirt for either myself or my secret santa, and a how-to-dump-your-boyfriend shirt for either me or my secret santa. I played a guitar at supersonic.. i'm in love with it's twin. i think i'm going to sell candy as a fundraiser.. candy always sells well.

I'm going to pay litmag for me to wrap my own presents :) awh. how sweet.. but i want litmag to have lots of moeny.. so it's not that big of a deal... but still it's kinda funny.

(break the silence)

The Rock Show
(12:56 p.m.; Friday, December 13, 2002)
no it did not rock, however we were not that bad. I suppose that my thesis on the whole event is a) we only practiced three times b) we had four guitars and c) we had zero working monitors. that's all.

i think i didn't do so bad by myself but of course i couldn't hear me...so there. lacey left out a verse of the song that pj wrote and it threw off some of the guitars (the other 2.. i just played repeat chords anyways) we did not suck so bad.

tonight i'm just going to sit at home and do nothing... that's my plans. i may or may not watch a movie. who knows. i suppose i will later. i should watch porn. i like porn.

(break the silence)

(09:48 p.m.; Thursday, December 12, 2002)
So I changed my layout after a whopping 4 entries in this thing. that makes me giddy. I really dig new layouts because they're just fun and they're fun to make. i already have the stuff ready for another new one but i'll probably hold off for a little while.

so i am at work right now, go figure. and i'm stressing pretty badly. the student concert is tomorrow.. and i'm excited as hell about it (so is adara). we're playing "remember to breathe" by dashie-poo OH MY GOD I'M SINGING IT! but the song sounds nice at it runs as long as it's supposed to which is good. the other song is the one that pj lyricized and lacey/jess/kayla tabbed. whee. it sounds pretty good, it's really really different from the dash song but it still sounds nice... it took us a while to get there... lacey kept changing where we were going.. so finally i was like "Verse! Bridge! Chorus!" that's all, no changes. and that's what we did and so she/we crafted those 3 parts and it was great and it's exciting and i can't wait but i could wait forever but i'm committed so i have to which means i will. and that is good news.

i had doughnuts today. yum yum yum. i want munchers. i would want pizza shuttle too but i just had pizza. and i went to joels to get rid of some of it, it's nice to know where he lives now.. in case i need to firebomb his house or something :) haha. he's such a fun kid.

finals start next week. how many times have i mentioned this? i'm getting a b in my chem class... blah. bitches. it might go up after the test we took today.. if it's borderline i can raise it... which is fabulous and makes me insanely happy. all of my other grades are set

(break the silence)

(07:51 p.m.; Wednesday, December 11, 2002)
Mom and I talked stuff out earlier. We managed to sit in the same room and not yell at each other. It was amazing, a first in like 2 weeks. hah.

I got my head shrunk today, that's always glorious. I left school at 9:30 and my appt wasn't until 10:30 so i made it out there by 9:45 and had a good 45 minutes to get some coffee. of course, my heater and it's tendency to play Jess-melt (it's like freeze-out except i'm in a hoodie and it's fucking hot as hell) made me not so in the mood for coffee (hot coffee that is) so instead i had a rasberry italian soda. it was stellar-yuhm-ness.

while i was in there, alisha came in because she practically lives there and we talked for a little while. she's such a fun girl. part of me wishes she were a lesbian. i don't think she is. but if she were that would just fucking rock because it would prove a point to mom. hah.

did i mention that the student concert is friday and i still can't fucking play the song because the damn thing isn't written? i might just insist on singing it really really slowly.. "no guys, honest, it's supposed to be all 6 minutes :)" we should play closer by nine inch nails.

i want to fuck you like an animal! uhm.

(break the silence)

(08:47 a.m.; Wednesday, December 11, 2002)
Last night was really busy and/or stressful. I had a guitar lesson after school which gave me about 55 minutes to get the guitar, get the coffee, and get downtown. That's really easy to make but i stood around for a while and cut my time down to like 35 minutes. I still made it.. i'm so bad about estimating time.

The lesson went wel, we fucked around with some chords and worked on my song (which for whatever reason i could not/would not sing. dammit) and then we decided that i should play around with Am, C, F, and D for a different song, i'm gonna look for lyrics... i'm sure i have a nice set of them. maybe i'll write some? but i hate everything i have to say so the chances of that are slim.

After lessons, i had band practice at lacey's. we got most of Obfuscating Reality written. The song makes me want to cry. I mean, it shouldn't.. it's a happy song.. but it was written about me by PJ and ... bleh ... he does't write me poetry anymore. (and i never got to be his fred astaire).

After practice, i went home to grab some food and h-work before i went in to work. I walked in the door and mom started yelling at me about me never being home. she yelled at me because i may or may not get a b in ho-chem. and she told me that she only wants me to hang out with blue eyed blonds. Maybe I will kill myself and leave a note "i don't have blue eyes or blonde hair and i can't stand the sight of myself." i might feel bad giving her issues but she doesn't seem to care about how she treats me.

I calld her a bitch. She said "do you want to get slapped! Rus slap her!" but dad would not slap me. He was just like "well.. the girl has a point."

I went to work. She told me that I could not and I told her that it didn't matter because i was going. in all of my rush to get out the god-damn door i left my homework in a pile on my floor and therefore didn't have it when i went to work.

In an attempt to quell my suicidal tendencies, i called almost my whole phonebook on my cellphone last night, but i feel like such a burden that i think maybe i should not call anyone. so yeah, i called phil who i am madly in love with. he talked to me (after being assured that i was NOT his CRAZY jessica. although i love jessica just as much .. okay so more... than i love him). he said that i could come over and i felt a lot better knowing that i at least had somewhere to go. i want to move out of my house

i got to work and called mom. mom apologized. she said "i'm sorry. i love you." and i said "Okay. i accept your apology but i don't believe that you love me because you can't just say that and not show it." and she doesn't show it. she won't let me be me.

So i'm at work at that point and decide i should start on that take-home final. So I look for it. and I don't have it. upon this realization i had a panic attack (just a minor one) and it sucked cuz that meant i either begged my way home or just did it when i got home. i wouldn't have gotten home till almost midnight and then i would sitll have to do it.. whee.. another one o'clocker? my psyche can not afford it.

i had no choice. i stayed at work. i wrote a little, i talked to erik and tko and jacoby which cheered me up. they're fun. i wrote a disad to annexing mexico and he wrote a turn that lead to an off-case advantage to plan. wow. he's a fun kid.

i talked to brian last night. i talked about brian last night. i dont' care about him anymore. i would be angry that janelle gets away with thigns that he broke up with me over, and then i remember that he still does not know the whole story about jerrad and i. and that it was better to learn my lesson.

i'm looking for a gaggle of blue-eyed blonde lesbians. if you fit this description please apply and dress gay. i want to lace heroin into my moms wine. i want to get drunk when no one is around. i want to smoke pot.

i am so desperate i almost begged him to let me sleep on his dorm floor.

so boy is being an ass and whining perpetually and it's really getting on my nerves. i note him over this. he says that i don't know the whole situation. girl says that i should not comment on things i don't understand. boy and girl should step back and realize that i know more than they think. i know more than she knows. and ... i'll never tell. . . but i think i should.

that was only blatantly obvious. and i'm sick of blog wars. they were no fun after aprils. that's enough drah-ma for one girl for one year/life.

i do not want to die right now. we had no milk for our cereal. i ate half a bowl of rice krispies dry.

i don't know the limits. but i think that i will look for them.

(break the silence)

(08:49 p.m.; Monday, December 9, 2002)
(continued) so yes we held hands in the van, and then we went to gambinos where we were going to dispense of my brother for an hour or so, but it was closed so he couldn't go there.. instead he bought some beef jerkey at petro and we went home. we watched vanilla sky and (perfectly heterosexually) cuddled, held hands and kissed. yay. she is .. meow meow meow. which is a good thing.

saturday there was scholars bowl and yesterday i had to do homework all day. i was about to go crazy due to the stress levels but at least i got everything done mostly. and i have an assload of chemistry to do now, plus 3 chapters worth of civil war reading (that i should have done during my nervous breakdown but oh well)

tonight, i finished the october clipper. it was so exciting to have it done, i almost creamed my panties. (i like to say that i creamed my panties because it's just so beautifully disgusting).. it looks really nice and i'm happy with it. it should be up soon (i need to harrass mr. blackman again, he's so unreasonable at times.

the clipper boys offered to buy me a hello kitty vibrator, which is great, because i want one (they're good conversation pieces) they have one on ebay. yum. so i cleared their porn-tracked history file for them and they said "dude you're so getting that. merry christmas" it made me happy. even though they were just kidding. a girl can dream right? (i want a dexter vibrator i think)

so yes, everything is done here at clipper and i took the time to write a poem about how i feel about my mother, i'm thinking about submitting it to litmag on the grounds that mah-ma-ma would never read it. because she wouldn't understand.. i suppose if she did understand i wouldn't have to write the poem. hm..

did i mention i'm in love with jeremy?
(break the silence)

I'm Not the Only One
(11:26 p.m.; 07/12/2002)
Last night I got to see Madeline. Whee, she's a fun girl! I really dig her. haha. Yeah anyways though, we went to the basketball game which was fun, despite our lack of attention to the game (in fact we were only in the gym during game time for like .23 seconds) we had a good time, er.. at least i did. We sat at the table where LitMag was wrapping gifts, and I had 2 twenty-five cent donuts. which rocks my dogs collars... they were even krispy kremes. yum yum yum. what a wonderful fundraiser.

so then we hung out in the band room, i think tim was mad cuz i answered his phone when baker called it, but it was ringing and we thought that it was liz's so we opened the door. and then we got it. no big deal. he doesn't want it being answered, by a lock. it's okay though, tim's been pestering me lately anyway. (grumph. moral of the story=don't tell someone you don't know enough to trust something you don't want everyone to find out and then answer his cell phone).

everyone left after half-time of the boys game because they are all in band and that's when band is free to go. madseeeee and i went to pick up my brother from his first 'real' junior high dance. we just kinda held hands in the van (giggles).

work is sending me home.. i'll finish this later.
(break the silence)

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the fuck up

31 Mar 86

topeka, ks






stereoptypes: straight edge, girl, boy, emo, democrat, globalist, pompous, musician wannabe.

heartbeats: music, webdesign, writing, sleep, reading, movies, guitars, politics, poetry, prose, extemp, policy debate
heartbreaks: racism, homophobia, waking, prejudice, anti-emo, drugs, promiscuity, exboyfriends

reads: francesca lia block, han nolan, kurt vonnegut, jr., arthur nersesian, steven chbosky, chuck palahuinik
listens: saves the day, taking back sunday, dashboard confessional, weezer, death cab for cutie, ben folds, trail of dead, taproot, tool, alkaline trio, get up kids, reggie & the full effect
watches: real world, the practice, the daily show, crank yankers, south park, insomniac
worships: leonardo di caprio, nicole kidman, brittany murphy, elijah wood, matt damon, thora birch, winona ryder,
videos: pi, requiem for a dream, ghost world, fight club, romeo & juliet, moulin rouge, a beautiful mind



december 2002


Jane Bogart

Embrace, "building"



short fiction:

ergo sum


x i feel emo


love me
answer each question honestly.


do you


last chance

closet heterosexuals, animals that are neither human nor giraffe, people who do not believe in love, and people who do not deal with their emotions need not apply. your application would be denied.


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